1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All dialled telephone numbers begin with the digits 555
3. Most dogs are immortal
4. If being chased through New York, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick Day parade - at any time of the year
5. All beds have special L shaped top-sheets which reach up to armpit levelon a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her
6. No leading actor involved in a car chase, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock
7. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without being seen and without difficulty
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
10. A man will show no pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds
11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any before now
12. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home
13. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do
14. If you town happens to be threatened by an imminent natural disaster or a killer beast, then the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
15. If a large pane of glass is visible at any point, someone will be thrown through it before long
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from absolutely any window in Paris
17. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors and computers are always permanently switched on but they never display a cursor on screen. They will always say: “Enter Password Now”
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs and bacon for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it
23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star, maverick detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he or she will never suffer a concussion or brain damage
26. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth
27. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant
28. It is not necessary to say either Hello or Goodbye when beginning or ending telephone conversations
29. Even when driving down a very long, perfectly straight road it is absolutely vital to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right ever few moments and to glance continuously in your rear view mirror.
30. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so that you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
31. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
32. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps
33. Any old fool can land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
34. A detective can only solve a case one he has been suspended from duty
35. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. To help you in this, they will dance around in a threatening manner until you’ve knocked out all their predecessors
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite
37. Any lock can be picked using a paper-clip or credit card in seconds - unless it happens to be a door to a burning building in which a child is trapped.
38. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one
39. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that personally affects the actor watching it at that precise moment
40. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child
41. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a banknote- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare
42. When they are alone, all foreigners speak English to one another
43. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
44. A cough usually signals terminal illness.
45. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
46. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons
47. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man
48. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
49. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software
50. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie
51. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey
52. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement
53. If you are blonde and pretty, it is quite possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22
54. Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their sons' eighth birthday
55. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love
56. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely
57. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident
58. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions
59. People on TV never finish their drinks
60. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon
61. All single women have a cat
62. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
63. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
64. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged
65. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity
66. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
67. Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one
68. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging
1 comment:
Very extensive list. There's not much I can add except:
All Englishmen are called Nigel or Simon.
When there is a high speed car chase involving a lot of violence and a lot of people dying the police won't notice at all, no matter how much disturbance it causes until all the major plot points are over. Then 10 cars will come screaming immediately to the scene.
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