Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
IN GERR LAND
IN GERR LAND
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
St George Cross flags are everywhere at the moment, which still seems a little odd to me as it was not something you ever saw. If there was a flag to be flown when I was young (oh God how old do I sound there??) it was always the Union Flag, no matter if the event was something that affected the whole of the UK, like the jubulie or if it was England playing somewhere.
In the last couple of years though the England flag seems to take priority over the Union Flag. It seems odd to me as I can remember when the St George Cross flag was always associated with racist fuckwits ranting on about how England was for the white and foreigners should go home. Then when they had finished would drag there knuckles to the nearest curry house and not see the irony.
There was an interesting piece in the Guardian today which is worth a read, though I would have to disagree with the statement that " being "English" is frequently a synonym for being white native-born English" I would like to think ( and maybe I am being hopelessly optamistic) that this is not the case.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
ZEN WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
13. If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on the butt...and then things get worse.
24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
25. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
13. If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on the butt...and then things get worse.
24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
25. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
Ha Ha
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is being considered a major break through and will solve a perennial problem. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
This is being considered a major break through and will solve a perennial problem. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Who you gonna call?
Who you gonna call?
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
I am trying to teach myself photoshop elements and this is one of my attempts at playing around with the photo.
This is taken in Cambridge on the Market Square.
68 Things you would NEVER know without going to the movies!
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All dialled telephone numbers begin with the digits 555
3. Most dogs are immortal
4. If being chased through New York, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick Day parade - at any time of the year
5. All beds have special L shaped top-sheets which reach up to armpit levelon a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her
6. No leading actor involved in a car chase, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock
7. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without being seen and without difficulty
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
10. A man will show no pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds
11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any before now
12. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home
13. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do
14. If you town happens to be threatened by an imminent natural disaster or a killer beast, then the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
15. If a large pane of glass is visible at any point, someone will be thrown through it before long
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from absolutely any window in Paris
17. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors and computers are always permanently switched on but they never display a cursor on screen. They will always say: “Enter Password Now”
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs and bacon for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it
23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star, maverick detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he or she will never suffer a concussion or brain damage
26. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth
27. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant
28. It is not necessary to say either Hello or Goodbye when beginning or ending telephone conversations
29. Even when driving down a very long, perfectly straight road it is absolutely vital to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right ever few moments and to glance continuously in your rear view mirror.
30. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so that you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
31. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
32. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps
33. Any old fool can land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
34. A detective can only solve a case one he has been suspended from duty
35. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. To help you in this, they will dance around in a threatening manner until you’ve knocked out all their predecessors
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite
37. Any lock can be picked using a paper-clip or credit card in seconds - unless it happens to be a door to a burning building in which a child is trapped.
38. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one
39. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that personally affects the actor watching it at that precise moment
40. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child
41. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a banknote- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare
42. When they are alone, all foreigners speak English to one another
43. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
44. A cough usually signals terminal illness.
45. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
46. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons
47. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man
48. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
49. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software
50. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie
51. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey
52. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement
53. If you are blonde and pretty, it is quite possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22
54. Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their sons' eighth birthday
55. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love
56. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely
57. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident
58. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions
59. People on TV never finish their drinks
60. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon
61. All single women have a cat
62. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
63. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
64. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged
65. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity
66. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
67. Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one
68. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging
2. All dialled telephone numbers begin with the digits 555
3. Most dogs are immortal
4. If being chased through New York, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick Day parade - at any time of the year
5. All beds have special L shaped top-sheets which reach up to armpit levelon a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her
6. No leading actor involved in a car chase, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock
7. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without being seen and without difficulty
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
10. A man will show no pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds
11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any before now
12. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home
13. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do
14. If you town happens to be threatened by an imminent natural disaster or a killer beast, then the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
15. If a large pane of glass is visible at any point, someone will be thrown through it before long
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from absolutely any window in Paris
17. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors and computers are always permanently switched on but they never display a cursor on screen. They will always say: “Enter Password Now”
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs and bacon for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it
23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star, maverick detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he or she will never suffer a concussion or brain damage
26. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth
27. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant
28. It is not necessary to say either Hello or Goodbye when beginning or ending telephone conversations
29. Even when driving down a very long, perfectly straight road it is absolutely vital to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right ever few moments and to glance continuously in your rear view mirror.
30. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so that you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
31. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
32. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps
33. Any old fool can land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
34. A detective can only solve a case one he has been suspended from duty
35. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. To help you in this, they will dance around in a threatening manner until you’ve knocked out all their predecessors
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite
37. Any lock can be picked using a paper-clip or credit card in seconds - unless it happens to be a door to a burning building in which a child is trapped.
38. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one
39. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that personally affects the actor watching it at that precise moment
40. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child
41. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a banknote- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare
42. When they are alone, all foreigners speak English to one another
43. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
44. A cough usually signals terminal illness.
45. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
46. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons
47. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man
48. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
49. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software
50. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie
51. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey
52. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement
53. If you are blonde and pretty, it is quite possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22
54. Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their sons' eighth birthday
55. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love
56. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely
57. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident
58. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions
59. People on TV never finish their drinks
60. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon
61. All single women have a cat
62. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
63. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
64. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged
65. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity
66. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
67. Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one
68. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Interesting facts that I learned last night about Cambridge
Kings College
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
I went on a guided history walk last night about the history of Cambridge, from the Roman times to the present. It was excellent, I learn things so much better if someone tells me and I can put it into context than if I try to learn it from a book - darn dyslexia.
Any way I found out a few key dates, which are:
There is evidence of settlements around Cambridge pre Roman times, first major development occured in Roman times circa AD 40
Also settled by Saxons, Normans and Vikings, the latter arrived circa 875 AD
1201 - Cambridge was given its Charter
1209 - Students fled violence in Oxford to Cambridge and formed a University
1284 - First College founded - Peterhouse
1446-1515 - Kings College Chapel built
1845 - Railway arrives in Cambridge
1951 - Cambridge granted City status
I am doing another one of the walks on Thursday night which is looking at the buildings around the centre of town, it is entitled "The Good the Bad and the Ugly" so it should be entertaining.
Any way for those that don't know the picture is of Kings College Chapel which buiding was completed in 1515
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Bare faced cheek!!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Man Overboard
Man Overboard
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
Not the recommended way to exit a punt!
Students celebrate the end of exams on the Cam this afternoon.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Tragedy
Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on what constituted a " tragedy", so the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a tragedy.""No," said Blair, "that would be an accident.
"A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 childrendrove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.""I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Blair searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quietvoice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr.Blair, was struck by a"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.""Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a tragedy.""No," said Blair, "that would be an accident.
"A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 childrendrove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.""I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Blair searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quietvoice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr.Blair, was struck by a"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.""Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
Minne and Ellie
Me and Ellie
Originally uploaded by minniemax.
Minnie, my sisters dog gave us a bit of a scare yesterday when it looked like she had had a stroke and things were looking a bit bleak.
Turns out though that she has had a severe reaction to some antibiotics and the vets are flushing them out of her system as I type and she may be able to go back home today.
Smiles all round. :0)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Granny Grandpa and the Grandkids
Granny Grandpa and the Grandkids
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
Taken I think in 1976 (the year of the great drought )
The t-shirt I am wearing I loved, it had a print of the Jungle Book on the front. Being the 70's it was probably made completly of nylon, so not the best for the very hot summer of '76.
I think that Ray had been stung by a wasp which is why she has a cloth around her foot.
Cambridge - Bikes and Punts
Cambridge - Bikes and Punts
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
There is more to Cambridge than bikes and punts but this seemed to sum up the popular perception of what Cambridge is all about.
7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN
1. A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The world we live in!!!!
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "And while you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you Heart Healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good"
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double cheeseburger, then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created the National Health Service.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "And while you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you Heart Healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good"
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double cheeseburger, then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created the National Health Service.
Face Paint
Face Paint
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
I took this on Saturday on Parkers Piece where the BBC had set up a giant screen for the football.
I like the DOF that I managed especially as I left the camera on automatic as I still have to figure out the settings.
Ho hum back to the books
Dreaming Girls Head
Dreaming Girls Head
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
This was an amazing sculpture, which provided the centre piece for the Garden of Dreams.
You can see all the photos from Chelsea that I took here and photos from me and other people here
Poppy in the rain
Poppy in the rain
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
This was taken at the Chelsea Flower Show this year.
The theme of this years show was planting for drought, ironically it poured down every day!!!
The stream at Anglesey Abbey
The stream at Anglesey Abbey
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
I really like this photo, it was taken at Anglesey Abbey, which is just down the road, on a really cold day in March.
I like the fact that I managed to catch the reflection in the water and it seems to be proportioned correctly. This was a complete fluke, no planning went in to it at all.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Important Dept of Transport announcement
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving. For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 where drivers are found to be driving badly which includes: - overtaking in dangerous places: -hovering within one inch of the car in front: - stopping sharply: - speeding in residential areas: - pulling out without indication: - performing U turns inappropr iately in busy high streets: - under taking on motorways and taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads - these drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians. Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public. Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
Parkers Piece - Football
Parkers Piece
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
I don't really like football, I can take it or leave it but I could not resist popping down to Parkers Piece on Saturday where they were showing the first England match, really to take photos of others who were actually there to watch the football.
The atmosphere was really good, the die hard supporters in the middle and families round the edge. There were volunteers there from the City Council handing out water to the kids at half time and everyone appeared to be having a good time.
It was absoluty roasting hot, with a lot of blokes who looked like lobsters as they had been in full sun for hours, shirtless and cooling themselves down with larger.
Still the CEN report that about 10,000 people showed up. Cambridge'>http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/city/2006/06/12/5a431901-44a5-49f1-b3e8-cec64b959080.lpf
Ban Heavy Petting
Ban Heavy Petting
Originally uploaded by Elfleda.
This picture was taken at Strawberry Fair, an annual event which takes place in Cambridge usually at the beginning of June on Midsummer Common. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strawberry_Fair
I saw this woman, who I think was part of a group promoting the free cinema tent and had to take her photo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)